How hospice care helped one man care for the wife Alzheimer's was taking away

Gill has Stage 6 Alzheimer’s - a cruel, consuming disease that has taken her memories, her independence, and much of her mobility. For Andy, it’s also meant the loss of their old life together - and the beginning of a new one, as her full-time carer. But at ellenor, a Kent hospice supporting people with life-limiting illnesses, Andy has found something rare: time, help, and a place where both he and Gill still belong.

To understand just how much has changed, it helps to look back at their life before Alzheimer’s took hold. Andy and Gill – from Vigo, Gravesend – have shared many special moments together. In 2003, they took a trip to Paris. There, Andy proposed; and there, under the Eiffel Tower, Gill said ‘yes’. A few months later, they were married below the sunshine of Jamaica. They stayed at a five-star resort because, the ever-practical Andy jokes, “if she’d said no, I’d at least have got a holiday out of it!”

Now, Andy - 57 - sits across the table at ellenor’s Wellbeing Centre. The building is part of the hospice charity’s Northfleet based premises – just one of the locations from which ellenor provides holistic, high-quality care to patients with life-limiting illnesses across North Kent and Bexley. Also here is Shania Allsop: an Apprentice Occupational Therapist who works for ellenor and is part of the support Andy and Jill receive there.

Gill has Stage 6 Alzheimer’s: one of the severest forms of degenerative neurological disease. It has left her disabled, incontinent, and in a destabilising, semi-permanent state of confusion. Andy - who sustained a brain injury after being hit by a car at 14 and had to relearn how to walk and talk - has found his role as husband and life partner now transformed to one of a carer. All his life, Andy has worked - be that delivering the post, unloading lorries, or pulling 12-hour shifts in factories - but no part of his career could have ever prepared him for the intensive, round-the-clock demands of being his wife’s full-time carer.
 

In 2023, ellenor stepped in to help share the load. At ellenor, Gill takes part in music classes - which she adores - and arts and crafts groups, where she is making a scrapbook. As for Andy, these visits provide important time away from the draining, day-to-day demands of caring for Gill: offering crucial respite to catch up on the shopping at Morrisons or enjoy a hot roast dinner at the local Toby Carvery. ellenor has also given Andy a sense of community - a chance to connect with other patients and family members during his regular visits to the hospice’s Coldharbour Road-based Wellbeing Centre. He has also taken a Carer’s Course, facilitated through ellenor, and received complementary therapy and counselling.

What’s more, Andy can rely on ellenor’s phone support evenings and weekends, as well as their regular nursing clinics. These sessions, which take place three times a week, enable people under ellenor’s support to come into the hospice and speak to nurses, who can then connect them with other agencies for them to access any additional services they need. That could be a referral to a doctor, or simply the ability to access a regular supply of incontinence pads without having to constantly buy them out of pocket.

“Before ellenor, I didn’t know anything about hospice care,” Andy reflects. “I thought Gill’s care would be all down to me, 110% me. I was prepared to give up my life to look after Gill. I just didn’t realise help was out there. But ellenor has been amazing. I walk Gill to the building, and most times Shania is already waiting with the door open, ready to take Gill off my arm and onto hers. It’s those little things that make all the difference.”

As Shania explains, “We’re here to support Andy, so Andy can support Jill. We give him a toolkit: so when there are bad days, he’s better equipped to handle them. We’ve spoken a lot about Andy’s capacity: how much he can give, how much he can do. Andy is an extremely conscientious person, and conscious of the vows he made when he married Gill. He takes a lot on himself. So we’re constantly reminding Andy that he is only one person, and that – although he feels that he has to do everything – actually, the buck doesn’t stop with him.”

ellenor has also supported Andy in dealing with the misconceptions many people have about Alzheimer’s: what it’s like to care for a partner with it, and the implications it has on his ability to feel seen and valued.

“Andy often says about how, outside of here, a lot of people don’t give him much thought,” says Shania. “They don’t talk to him - they’re always focused on Gill and tend to ignore Andy. But when he’s here at ellenor, Andy isn’t ignored. As much as it’s important for Gill to feel safe, secure, and well supported by our clinical teams here - and she is - it’s also important for Andy to feel the same. So he can trust us in those tough moments. So that he can be there - because dementia is all-encompassing, and it can be really lonely and isolating for people.

“People don’t fully appreciate the challenges of caring for someone with Alzheimer’s”, says Andy. “You have to be aware all the time; you can’t let your guard down. People are quick to give you advice but not to help you.”

At ellenor, however, Andy has found that help. “I used to work 12-hour shifts in a factory: where people would clock in, do their shift, then clock out and go home. Here, they don’t. ellenor’s staff are all extremely kind and helpful, and it’s clear they’re not ‘in it for the money’. They love every bit of what they do, and it shows.”

When the inevitable arrives – when Gill’s condition deteriorates, and she’s no longer able to remain at home for her care, she will spend the final days of her life at ellenor. Andy has already visited the hospice to choose her room: a bright, comfortable space with a large-screen TV so Gill can watch her favourite shows. (Mostly Emmerdale.)

Flipping through Gill’s in-progress scrapbook now (she’s an animal lover; it’s full of horses and dolphins, and their Labradoodle, Lucy, takes pride of place), Andy acknowledges that ellenor has already helped Gill not only document memories, but make new ones. In that book, Andy will have another memory of Gill to treasure after she’s gone. For now, though, the main comfort comes from knowing that Gill is in a place in which she can relax and feel comfortable. Where she is safe and supported. And where (“Hello, Gill!”) everyone knows her name.

“Dementia doesn’t just take memories - it takes lives, families, and futures,” Andy says. “Carers like me often go unnoticed, overwhelmed and invisible. ellenor has been a lifeline, offering more than just care - it offers hope, community, and strength. We need to talk about this more, and support carers everywhere, because without them, many people with dementia would be utterly lost.”