Understanding grief and grief theory

On this page you’ll find guidance for line managers on how to understand grief, practicalities of death, and next steps.

Introduction

It is important to remember that grief is a natural response to loss. It is normal to feel a range of feelings.

Even if you have been bereaved yourself, you cannot really understand or feel what another person is feeling. There are recognised stages and theories of grief which can be a helpful guide for what to expect.

Grief can be very painful, and unfortunately there aren’t quick fixes or solutions. Many grievers find that rather than moving on from their grief, over time they adapt to move forward with it. The grief may never fully go away, but with the right support it can lessen over time and become easier to cope.

It is likely that their loss will be part of their life forever.

Definitions

Grief: is the reaction to loss

Bereavement: is the term used for the period in time when someone faces the loss of something

Mourning: is the process by which people adapt to a loss. Mourning is influenced by cultural customs, rituals, and society's rules for coping with loss

Symptoms of grief

Grief can come in many forms. Each person will have a different reaction to their loss, which can depend on things like our personality, support systems and previous experiences. Even if you have some time to prepare, the death of a loved one can come as a huge shock.

Some people may experience disbelief. They may try to carry on as normal or keep busy to avoid thinking about what has happened. Others may be very overwhelmed by their grief. These feelings may also change very quickly. It’s important to remember there’s no right or wrong way to react, and support is available to help.

Some of the common symptoms of grief include:

Shock and disbelief. Immediately after a death it can be hard to believe that it has really happened. People can feel numb or may even act as if nothing has happened.
Sadness. Profound sadness is probably the feeling most people experience after a death. It is normal to cry and to feel empty, desolate or deeply lonely.
Guilt. People often feel guilty about things they did or didn’t do, or did or didn’t say while the person was alive. They may also feel guilty about some of their own feelings, if they are relieved that someone has died after a long illness or if they are now relieved of the burden of caring. Or if they didn’t much like the person who has died.
Anger. Even if no one was actually at fault for the death, grief can make someone angry and resentful about their loss and what they are being made to feel. It may challenge our beliefs about life.
Fear. Death can trigger a host of worries and fears. People can feel anxious, helpless or insecure. They may even have panic attacks and be fearful of new things.
Physical symptoms. Grief is not just an emotional process. People can also experience tiredness, nausea, weakened immune system, weight loss or gain, aches and pains and insomnia.

Often people who are grieving feel that there is a ‘rollercoaster’ of emotions. You may feel okay one minute and then suddenly feel very upset or overwhelmed. Grief symptoms are a normal reaction to loss. It is how we cope.

Grieving may not be a simple linear process. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace, and may go through some of the stages more than once.

Even when someone has reached their new normal, they can be taken by surprise by a sudden burst of grief.

The timeline of grief

You may have heard many myths or clichés about the timeline of grief, such as ‘time heals all wounds’. People who are grieving or are supporting someone who is grieving often want to know how long it will take for them to ‘get over’ their grief.

The reality for many people who are bereaved is that they don’t really get over their grief but more accurately they find ways to move forward with their grief. Over time they can find more ways to cope.

However, keep in mind that grief is not always a linear timeline. There may be grief triggers that pop up over time, for example, anniversaries of the death, birthdays or holidays. There may be practical responsibilities that bring up the grief again, for example, having to fill out paperwork or return mail.

We can’t always predict when or why our grief reappears or feels more prominent.

If you or the person you are supporting finds that the grief doesn’t lessen or you are still finding it very difficult to cope or do day-to-day tasks, you may want to speak to your GP. There are also dedicated helplines, support groups and specialist organisations listed in the signposting section of this hub.

The practicalities of death

Some bereaved people throw themselves into activity as a way of distracting themselves from their grief. There are immediate tasks to be done following a death, which may include:

Registration of the death
Arranging the funeral
Attending the funeral
Interment or scattering of ashes
Dealing with the estate
Organising and attending a memorial event
Attending an inquest
Attending a trial.

Sometimes the death only becomes real to the person once these tasks are finished, and it is then that grieving takes over.

People grieve differently. Some need to talk about their grief and their emotions. Others prefer to manage it on their own, perhaps by channeling their energies into physical activity or into creating a memorial for the person who died.

Someone who has been bereaved might become active for a relevant charity or making a complaint against a hospital felt to be at fault for the death. None of these ways of coping with grief is better than another, just different.

As a bereaved person’s line manager, you will want to be sensitive to all these possibilities so that you can support your colleague through their grief. This isn’t an easy thing to do.

But, for example, if someone suffers a burst of grief you can reassure them that this is normal and that it doesn’t mean they aren’t coping. You can ask them how they would prefer to be supported.

Don’t be offended if an offer to talk is rejected; it may just be the wrong time.

The Five Stages of Grief is one of the best-known grief theories. Psychiatrist Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as the key ‘stages’ our minds go through after someone dies.

Some people have said that the five stages of her grieving process are too orderly to reflect just how messy grief can be. Dr Kubler-Ross later said that her theory was never intended as a linear journey, but a series of points we may often revisit, as we adjust to life without someone we loved.
The Six Rs of Mourning is clinical psychologist Dr Therese Rando’s theory about how actively grieving is in itself, a healing act.

The six tasks she identifies aim to work through four grief phases: recognising the reality of a death, reacting to the separation, ‘re-experiencing’ good and bad memories, letting go of how things were and accommodating memories of someone, in your changed world.
Clinical psychologists Professor Margaret Stroebe and Dr Henk Schut’s dual process model suggest that grief is not a linear or stage based process, but rather a process of oscillation (going back and forth) between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented activities in order to cope with loss.

For example, letting yourself have moments where grief is your primary focus as well as moments of distraction and adjusting to a new reality.