I broke five cultural rules to honour my mother’s final wishes

“In 2021, I returned home to the Philippines to care for my mother. From my experience as an end-of-life educator, I could tell she was in the final weeks of her life.

“I knew this would be my hardest lesson – practising what I preach.

“In the Philippines, death remains a huge taboo. So when I began planning her funeral while she was still alive, some of my relatives were horrified. How dare you? They said. Your mother is still here – she will fight this.

“But my mother was ready. She wanted to talk about her funeral, so I found opportunities to have those conversations and she was ready to talk. She had already chosen the dress she wanted to wear. In fact, she had a bag packed with everything she wanted to wear, even socks.”
 

“As I said, those of us around her – including myself – weren’t ready. They kept telling her fight, sister! You can do this! Keep fighting!

“I wasn’t encouraging her to fight.

“Instead, I told her it was okay to rest, we would be okay.

“Once again, some relatives were outraged. ‘How dare you say that? She is your mother!’ Of course she was! She always would be. But I didn’t want her to suffer anymore, or to keep fighting for us. She needed to do what was right for her.”
 

“In the Philippines, when someone is unwell, the answer is always hospital, hospital, hospital. But, my mother made me promise not to send her there. She was afraid of doctors and nurses because, whenever they told her what needed to be done, she would simply agree, even if she didn’t want the treatment. So, I honoured her wishes and kept her at home.

“Once again, some relatives – even outsiders – questioned my decision.

“But, from my experience working in hospitals in the Philippines, I knew the reality. No intervention would change the outcome. She was dying.

“This was the hardest rule to follow. I knew she had only days left, and I had to stand firm in not sending her to the hospital. I knew she didn’t truly want to go.

“Unlike in the UK, where we have anticipatory medications, equipment, and a community care team, in the Philippines, there was nothing. I was on my own.

“This is the struggle of so many Filipino nurses. We have elderly relatives who deserve better care and support, but those services simply don’t exist.”
 

“In the Philippines, when someone is unwell, visitors come without hesitation. The doors are open and people simply walk in. They might knock and ask if someone is home, but they don’t wait for an answer before entering the house, even the bedroom.

“I had to change that.

“I only allowed in those who my mother wanted to see, those she chose to see. Even her closest friends were made to wait in the lounge. Each time, I would ask my mother, mum, your friends are here. Do you want to see them? and each time, she would shake her head.

“I don’t think she wanted them to see her like that. She had lost so much weight, her skin had darkened, and she no longer looked like the person they remembered. She didn’t want them to see her in her final days.

“But, her friends didn’t understand. ‘We want to see her’ they said.

“I stood firm. ‘She doesn’t want to see you.’

“That was another difficult decision, and I know some of her friends were hurt by it. In fact, some were so offended that they didn’t even attend her funeral. Do I care? No. I never will. It was her death, and I simply followed her wishes.”
 

“I was angry. I am still angry.

“My sisters-in-law understood and stood by my side, but only because my husband had told them to. Otherwise, most people just stayed out of my way because, honestly, I was snapping at everyone. I was angry.

“And despite the support from my sisters-in-law, I still felt alone.

“You know, I think it’s something about being a mother, it makes you see things differently. That experience really made me reflect on how short life is. That journey was incredibly challenging, but it was my way of honouring my mother’s wishes and showing her my love and respect.

“So: five rules. Break them. Break the rules. Respect their wishes.”

Thank you to Marilou for sharing her story.