The many ways we say goodbye

Sioned-Mair Richards

Howard Knight held a party before he died.

His wife, Sioned-Mair recounts the story: “We thought maybe we had 6 months. We told family & friends the news. A month later we were told that there was nothing to be done except palliative care … Howard wanted a party so that he could see everyone before he died.”

She describes how Howard’s friends rallied to help organise. They booked a village hall, bought cake and fizz, and the children plastered the walls with posters of Howard throughout his life. 

“We had emailed everyone we could think of … and everyone came to say goodbye. Family, neighbours, friends. Small grandchildren running around … Over a hundred people came to tell him how much he was loved and say the things we usually say at funerals, too late for the dead to hear.” 

Sioned-Mair describes how Howard sat “stoically heroic” throughout the party. “Discomfort, some pain, but delighted to see everyone, spoke to everyone. Funny memories revisited. Football matches replayed. This was his life.”

Howard died a week later. Sioned-Mair and her family only held a small funeral, due to the Covid-19 pandemic. “But we all have good memories of a lovely afternoon,” she tells us, “where we all said a fond farewell to a lovely man”.

Tome Foxe

Tome tells us about Dylan, his wife Lesley’s son from a previous relationship. From infancy, Dylan suffered with a severe disability and unfortunately died at the age of three. 

Tome describes the funeral: “When Dylan died, many people came to pay their respects and support Lesley ...  Lesley did things that I'd recommend to anyone arranging a funeral.” He explains that Lesley arranged for friends to carry Dylan to the local cemetery, which was only a short walk from the house. This differs from the norm, where the funeral directors are the ones who carry the coffin. 

Lesley also made sure that the funeral incorporated music. One friend led attendees in a circle dance, while another played the flute. “This had a huge positive effect,” Tome explains. “Holding hands and moving really helped people to feel less tense and to bond with others. 

“My experience was that, by taking the most control of the funeral, and by having music and movement, Lesley and other mourners had their spirits lifted significantly at a trying time.”

Nicola Davis

Husband Mick was “a true country man,” says Nicola, “He loved being outdoors, walking, gardening, chopping logs or just watching the birds.”

That’s why, when Mick was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer, he and his wife decided on a sustainable burial. Nicola describes the funeral: “He had the most beautiful, peaceful and appropriate send off possible. It was absolutely perfect for him and a very poignant way to say goodbye and good night.

“I know he would be very content, laid to rest in the woodland with views across the South Downs that he loved so much.”

Nicola explains that although sustainable burials are not yet mainstream, “they really should be, for lots of reasons.”

Peter McNeill

Peter tells the story of how he conducted the funeral service for his own father. 

He says that he made the decision because his family wasn’t able to secure the religious send off they wanted for his dad. To ensure that his father’s wishes were met, Peter took on the responsibility himself. 

“It was, in a nutshell, a perfect send off. There was tears, lots of laughs, but most of all, everything we wanted to be said was said - the highs and the lows … It wasn't spectacular, but it was perfect. From the military piper, the service, the flowers – everything.”

Peter describes feeling honoured to have conducted the service and that it was “the greatest thing a child could do for a parent.”

Leanne Hawker

Leanne shares the story of her husband Dean, who died peacefully at their home in 2022 after living with MND (Motor Neurone Disease). She speaks of his funeral being “a real celebration of his life”. 

As per Dean’s wishes, Leanne made sure the funeral had no religious overtones, as the couple were both atheists. She adds, “in planning his funeral I was asked if I thought I'd meet Dean again and if I felt spiritual. I didn't believe I would see him again, nor did I feel spiritual, but I knew I had been incredibly lucky to have had him in my life for 33 years and that what we had was so special. 

“That sentiment shaped his funeral. It was filled with songs that marked his life, a reading that reflected his personality and approach to life, and a eulogy given by our nieces and nephew …  There were a lot of smiles and stories shared straight after the funeral, I smile at the memory of it.”  

Throughout their experience with MND, Leanne and Dean “always talked about death and dying with a lot of humour.” Leanne explains how conversations around dying became normal for the family, and that they still talk openly about it now: “I've even got a death book for myself to help family after I've gone.”

Julie Harvey

Julie’s husband was looked after by Garden House Hospice until his death from cancer in 2015. “The care he received was excellent,” she tells us, “and much kindness was shown to us as a family just after he died.”

Julie explains how she found comfort in the hospice creating space for her faith: “I'm a Christian and it was such a comfort when the Chaplain prayed with us around his bed. She quoted Isaiah 43:1-2, … which was also written on something on the day of his funeral.”

Laura Simms

Laura writes about her younger sister Philippa, who died in February of 2022. She was 47 at the time and mother to two young children.

Laura describes how she talked with Philippa about what would happen after her death: “We had occasional short but deep discussions, often at the most random times (!) about how to explain death and her absence to her son and daughter, about where would she go, and what would happen to her body after death. 

“[Philippa] had no religion, and believed that the end of her life on the Earth was final. She struggled to accept the waste of that, and questioned what her life had been for.”

Laura fondly describes a trip the sisters went on that had helped with these feelings – a visit to a local beach soon after Philippa’s treatment began. Together they discussed the nature of life and death, talking about people as “molecules of energy, recycled as readily as the nature and universe around us.” 

“[Philippa] liked that,” Laura explains, “the feeling that we were all transient beings on the planet – a planet that had been here long before us. Ironically, it was that sense of human inconsequence that comforted her the most.”

Laura describes Philippa’s last days: “She died at home, with her children sharing time with her ... They honoured her body by decorating it with flowers and gifts, and brushing her hair.” 

Laura also tells us about her sister’s wishes: “Philippa didn't want a funeral. I had to advocate hard for her wishes on that, as there was pressure from family with a religious or cultural belief that not having one was 'wrong' and disrespectful. It was extremely important to uphold that last wish.”

Claire Barrie

Claire was 5 months pregnant when her mum passed away at St Andrew’s Hospice. Claire explains how her mum’s faith deepened each day: “[Mum] attended mass whenever she could and was so secure in her faith at the end that she put all of us at peace. My mum was in no doubt as to where she was going next once her earthly body failed her and it gave us all comfort.”

Claire shares how she has been inspired by her mother’s strength during those final months: “[It] has taught me how to endure and look forward, even when it seems impossible. Her zest for life has rubbed off on us all, I think.”

And her mum’s faith affected unexpected areas of life. Claire adds, “It was during a celebration of mass at the hospice in fact, that my mum heard a reading from the bible where Joshua was mentioned and indicated that she would like me to call my unborn baby by that name”. 

Claire followed her mum’s wishes and, indeed, named her son Joshua. “Joshua never met my mum,” she tells us, “but he often talks about his Nana and knows her well. Her name is repeated in our house and her memory lives on through our love for her and each other.”